So my computer finally told me her name. It's Eloisa. The process went something like this:
I mentioned her lack of a name to Jeremy the other day and he suggested "Weezy" (because apparently she should wheeze? She whines and makes a jet-engine noise, but no wheezing).
"Weezy" led of course to Louise.
Louise led to Eloise. (Did you know that they two names are unrelated? Eloise is French, meaning smart/intelligent; Louise is old German, meaning warrior goddess).
Eloise, however, is ciaweth's cat. Can't name my computer Eloise lest I ultimately end up calling it Stinky (Eloise -> SmellyLouise -> Stinky).
And so she's Eloisa. Which appears to be just a horribly culturally-insensitive Spanification of Eloise, at least as far as resident expert nenie could guess.

But she has a name.